It's now six days since we heard the news that has changed so much in our lives: perhaps for the good, perhaps not, but at any rate things will never be the same again. Last Wednesday night, the doctor came in to tell Ayumi that Justin has/is a Down's syndrome child. Yesterday, we took Justin to the Kobe Children's hospital, where he'll stay for tests until tomorrow morning. The initial signs are positive, though: his heart seems to be normal and other internal organs look to be ok; as long as the blood tests show no signs of leukemia, we can go all go home and start to live our lives together. Both Sean and Julian love him already, and can't wait to have him home again.
I cannot describe the intensity and range of the emotions we have felt these past few days. One thing I do realize is just how selfish we are: we cried for two days in grief and despair, but really, this is not for him — he's well, and seems content, and alert — but for our idea of that perfect future that now seems impossible. I had thought, up to now, that I was not a vicarious father: that I didn't live to see my ambitions fulfilled by my children, that I didn't care what my children achieved as long as they were happy. I was so wrong: the devastation and gut-wrenching anguish that I felt when the news sank in made me realise very clearly just how much ego is involved in my "selfless" parental love.Justin is without fault, a tiny soul who hardly cries (though he demands feeding more than we were led to expect!), but who stares with clear blue eyes at the world; already we are growing to love him, to see past the baby we had naively expected to find. I only hope that we can find the strength to be worthy of his love, and to give him a happy home.
And life goes on. As the next set of pictures show, we live in an incredibly beautiful spot, and have the support of simply fantastic new friends (Kayo and Nathan, and their children Isaac and Joshua.), without whom the past few days would have been immeasurably harder. I'll post pictures of them and their house later, but for now here are some pictures of our view down the mountain, and of us messing around with an astral telescope which Nathan lent us, as we have a perfect balcony for star gazing on clear nights. We really have so much to be thankful for: with so much natural beauty around, it's hard to feel sad for long!
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